I wrote my first blog entry one year ago. So here a few thoughts on my one year blogiversary.
-I like thinking about my family, friends and my mom’s coworkers/friends reading this blog. It makes me feel connected to them on this journey even though we all live in different places. While I was at home last week, my girlfriends knew all sorts of Baby Barto details and it made me feel special that they find time in their busy lives to follow along.
- I was so tickled when I received my first posts from adoptive parents in cyberspace. I have been in awe of Rebecca and her amazing journey to her 13 year old son in Ethiopia. My other first poster is a great writer and has the same court date as us. How cool is that? And I feel like Theresa is a kindred spirit out there in Tennessee.
- Large chunks of time disappear when I enter the blog world. I know way too many details about people I have never met. I even find myself talking about these folks to other people. I just get clicking and reading and linking to other blogs and there goes an hour or two. But their stories are so interesting and their kids so cute.
-I’ve even tried to ration my blog reading. Back when we were on the waitlist, I only allowed myself to look on key court dates (that lasted about a month). During spring break , I made myself stay away from blogs. If I were Catholic, I’d have to give up blogs for Lent. Tonight I told myself I wouldn’t read any and then suddenly I’m clicking and reading. Wasn’t I going to make dinner?
- When I wrote that first post, Baby Barto was already three months old. And even though we wouldn't see his face for ten more months, we were already in love with him.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Defensive Pessimist
According to the Oprah Magazine article my mom cut out for me, I am approaching our adoption as a defensive pessimist. I like that my thoughts (as I've previously written about) have an official term and that it is in Oprah Magazine. From the article:
We're not talking about a general disposition to see the glass half-empty:
"Defensive pessimism is a strategy used in specific situations to manage
anxiety, fear, and worry," says Norem, who has conducted seminal research on the
subject. "Defensive pessimists," she says, "prepare for a situation by setting
low expectations for themselves, then follow up with a very detailed assessment
of everything that may go wrong." Once they've imagined the full range of bad
outcomes, they start figuring out how they'll handle them, and that gives them a
sense of control.
Two years ago we thought we were on our way to parenthood. We had a month of giddiness and excitement. Then we spent the month of April getting our asses kicked with a repeat in August. I only know what it feels like when it doesn’t work out.
This explains why the crib is still in the garage, why I correct anyone who says that we’ll pass court in April and why I can’t even write a Baby Barto to-do list. This explains why I’m thinking of places to visit this summer instead of planning what to pack for Ethiopia.
At some point, hopefully, it will be our turn and that’s what Target is for. In the meantime, I’ll hang out with my husband, sleep in, spend too much time at school, go to yoga, and fill my days so I have less time to think about all the things that still need to happen before we meet Baby Barto.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Books, books, books
I am a big reader. When we would go on family vacations, I would stay up late reading in the non-filled bathtub of our hotel room. I loved wandering the stacks of the libraries at college. So of course I turned to books as companions on this adoption journey. In the last year, I have picked up books on adoption, Africa and parenting. I even joined an on-line Ethiopian adoptive parent book club. I thought I’d share my reading list. And if you have a must-read or two, I'd love to add them to my "to check out" list.
The Kid – This is one of the first books I picked up when we decided on adopting. Dan Savage and his partner adopted domestically and his book is moving and hysterical. He really touches on a lot of the insecurities and doubts adoptive parents have and presents them in such an honest and raw way. (Dan Savage writes a sex column, so his book at times is very NC-17. )
Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption – Written by adult adoptees, this book critically delves into adoption issues. The pieces vary from poetry to more academic in tone. This book is hard to read as a potential adoptive parent, but totally necessary. I needed these perspectives to help me thinking critically about race, culture and adoption.
The Beautiful Things That Heaven Bears – This novel is written by an Ethiopian-American author. It is a well written story about an Ethiopian immigrant in D.C.
There is No Me Without You – This seems to be the book in the Ethiopian adoption community. Melissa Fay Greene tells the story of Haregewoin Teferra whose own tragedies lead her to care for AIDS orphans. The children’s stories are heart wrenching and you pretty much want to jump on the next plane to Ethiopia. This is an incredible story, but I think that it shouldn’t be the only book adoptive families read about Ethiopia.
Notes from the Hyena’s Belly: An Ethiopian Boyhood – This was the first book I read as part of the book club. The author tells about his childhood in rural Ethiopia and the political chaos that erupted in his late teens.
Love in the Driest Season – This book is about Neely Tucker, a journalist, and his wife’s adoption of a baby from Zimbabwe. Neely and his wife trudge through mountains of red tape to adopt their daughter and it helped me understand why international adoption can take so long.
Held at a Distance: A rediscovery of Ethiopia – Rebecca Haile, whose family left Ethiopia when she was a child, returns as an adult. The book documents her journey to meet her family and her travels throughout Ethiopia with her husband. I liked this book because it is more positive than some of the other books I’d been reading. It really highlights the beauty of the country.
My Father’s Daughter: A story of family and belonging – I just finished this book. The author, Hannah Pool, was adopted from Eritrea (Ethiopia’s neighbor) by an Englishman and his American wife. This book documents her journey to meet her birth family. Her candid discussion of meeting her first family was powerful.
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents: I felt like this book spent a lot of time talking about all the things that can happen when children don’t have healthy attachment or have experienced abuse and neglect. I finally had to skip some chapters to look for the section about what to do to promote healthy attachment. I didn’t feel like the book offered too much in specific attachment techniques. Maybe this will be one I’ll return to once Baby Barto is home, and I recognize issues that will need to be addressed.
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft: Written by an adoptive mother, this book focused specifically on 1-3 year olds. I thought this book did a better job about providing suggestions about helping a toddler adjust to a new family. This will probably be another book I will go back to once Baby Barto comes home.
Black Like Me – Another blogger recommended this book, so it caught my eye while I was at the library last week. The white author takes pills that darken his skin and for a couple of months he lives as a black man in the deep south in the late 1950s. It’s a powerful and thought- provoking read.
The Kid – This is one of the first books I picked up when we decided on adopting. Dan Savage and his partner adopted domestically and his book is moving and hysterical. He really touches on a lot of the insecurities and doubts adoptive parents have and presents them in such an honest and raw way. (Dan Savage writes a sex column, so his book at times is very NC-17. )
Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption – Written by adult adoptees, this book critically delves into adoption issues. The pieces vary from poetry to more academic in tone. This book is hard to read as a potential adoptive parent, but totally necessary. I needed these perspectives to help me thinking critically about race, culture and adoption.
The Beautiful Things That Heaven Bears – This novel is written by an Ethiopian-American author. It is a well written story about an Ethiopian immigrant in D.C.
There is No Me Without You – This seems to be the book in the Ethiopian adoption community. Melissa Fay Greene tells the story of Haregewoin Teferra whose own tragedies lead her to care for AIDS orphans. The children’s stories are heart wrenching and you pretty much want to jump on the next plane to Ethiopia. This is an incredible story, but I think that it shouldn’t be the only book adoptive families read about Ethiopia.
Notes from the Hyena’s Belly: An Ethiopian Boyhood – This was the first book I read as part of the book club. The author tells about his childhood in rural Ethiopia and the political chaos that erupted in his late teens.
Love in the Driest Season – This book is about Neely Tucker, a journalist, and his wife’s adoption of a baby from Zimbabwe. Neely and his wife trudge through mountains of red tape to adopt their daughter and it helped me understand why international adoption can take so long.
Held at a Distance: A rediscovery of Ethiopia – Rebecca Haile, whose family left Ethiopia when she was a child, returns as an adult. The book documents her journey to meet her family and her travels throughout Ethiopia with her husband. I liked this book because it is more positive than some of the other books I’d been reading. It really highlights the beauty of the country.
My Father’s Daughter: A story of family and belonging – I just finished this book. The author, Hannah Pool, was adopted from Eritrea (Ethiopia’s neighbor) by an Englishman and his American wife. This book documents her journey to meet her birth family. Her candid discussion of meeting her first family was powerful.
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents: I felt like this book spent a lot of time talking about all the things that can happen when children don’t have healthy attachment or have experienced abuse and neglect. I finally had to skip some chapters to look for the section about what to do to promote healthy attachment. I didn’t feel like the book offered too much in specific attachment techniques. Maybe this will be one I’ll return to once Baby Barto is home, and I recognize issues that will need to be addressed.
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft: Written by an adoptive mother, this book focused specifically on 1-3 year olds. I thought this book did a better job about providing suggestions about helping a toddler adjust to a new family. This will probably be another book I will go back to once Baby Barto comes home.
Black Like Me – Another blogger recommended this book, so it caught my eye while I was at the library last week. The white author takes pills that darken his skin and for a couple of months he lives as a black man in the deep south in the late 1950s. It’s a powerful and thought- provoking read.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Teff Waffles
A couple of months ago I bought Teff flour for my Ethiopian Christmas meal. Teff is an Ethiopian grain that is used to make injera, which is like a large, slightly sour (in a good way) yummy crepe that accompanies Ethiopian dishes. My first try with Teff didn't work out so well. So this morning I tried again and made Teff waffles. This time I had more luck. 
Friday, March 6, 2009
Toddlers & 7th graders
As I was reading the discipline section in What to Expect: The Toddler Years, I realized I am prepared to parent a toddler. By replacing toddler with 7th grader in the statements below, I discovered that a toddler is a lot like a middle schooler.
(This is a photo from my first year teaching in Detroit. That was a H-U-G-E lesson in patience.)
- “Toddlers are novices at following rules.”
- “Young toddlers have limited memories.”
- “You can’t rely on a toddler’s obedience.”
- “Not every task is within a toddler's grasp.”
- “Patience is a necessity when dealing with toddlers.”
I’ve been teaching middle school for 6 years, so I’m totally ready for Baby Barto. Plus he’s smaller, cuddlier and there’s just one of him. 
(This is a photo from my first year teaching in Detroit. That was a H-U-G-E lesson in patience.)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Amharic
Today we received another update on Baby Barto. He now is able to say and understand some Amharic words. (Amharic is one of the main languages of Ethiopia.) This motivated me to get out my Talk Now! Amharic CD. The lessons are delivered by two white people with dubbed Amharic voices. It's kind of trippy. I skimmed the lessons to find words I might need (bed/alga, milk/wetet, hello/tena yestelgne, yes/awo, no/aydelem). I also found some lessons on YouTube. (Check it out here.) My goal is to learn one word every day. That seems less overwhelming.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Janis
I have known Janis for almost 14 years. We have grown into adults together. I'm getting a little teary eyed thinking of all the milestones we have shared (our first apartment, first drink [mine], 21st birthdays, college graduation, loss, moving to San Diego, our first jobs, heartbreaks, weddings, parenthood - she has a five year head start on this one). Janis is an amazing friend!
She has been sending gifts for Baby Barto since he was just a dream in my heart. Yesterday I received a toddler start-up kit from her. She included all sorts of things she has found to be helpful with her daughters. Janis is super practical and organized (she typed up an agenda when we were getting ready to move to California), so I know these things must be the best. I was touched by all the thought she had put into this package.
I can't wait to take Baby Barto to play at the beach with Janis' beautiful girls.
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