Christmas, Part 1

We have pretty much been celebrating since the start of December when my dad came into town for a long weekend.

Turo & Grandpa

We Skyped with Alison so she could watch Turo open the gifts my dad brought.

And we made sugar cookies.
The next weekend we were at my cousin's for our family Christmas. It was lovely to share this annual gathering with Turo for the first time.

Australia suspends Ethiopian adoptions

The Australian government has suspended Ethiopian adoptions due to concern over corruption. When I read this stuff, my stomach just sinks. As I've wondered before, will we ever be certain that our adoption was 100% ethical? I replay the scenes with our agency and with Turo's first family. I think about the paperwork we received and the steps that were taken prior to Turo's relinquishment. I try to look for proof to support the story while also checking for holes in it. I attempt to justify our adoption with the facts I do have. Plus even if our agency and adoption are above board, we still contributed to the "demand" for Ethiopian babies, which in turn leads to shady practices. It is disheartening when the the child, the first family and the adoptive parents are all greedily taken advantage of.

And how will Turo make sense of this element of adoption? There are going to be some heavy talks around here as Turo grows up.

Cute stuff

A fellow adoptive mom started making really cute shirts to fund several humanitarian projects in Ethiopia. (You can read about her amazing plans for her January trip on her blog.) I am inspired by mothers like Jennifer who are using their skills to contribute to our children's first country.

Not only did Jennifer make this adorable Africa shirt, she also has shirts featuring flowers, dogs, initials, guitars, owls... You can view her work on her Etsy site.

close call

While my mom drove along one of the many two lane highways that connect small mid-Michigan towns, we chatted. Turo piped in occasionally from the back. This is a stretch we’ve driven countless times between our house and my mom’s. Although there was some snow left on the road from an early storm, it wasn’t anything major. But it only takes a little bit of ice to cause trouble. Suddenly, mid conversation, the car fishtailed across the road and then slid back to the right before it settled in the ditch. We were stuck, shaken up but unharmed.

As we talked about how we were going to get out of this, a man in a truck pulled over and said he’d be right back with a strap. Moments later another car stopped to check on us. A third driver let us know he had called 911. There were also numerous cars and trucks that zoomed right by, which made me appreciate even more the kindness of those who did stop. Thirty minutes after landing in the ditch, we were able to continue on our journey thanks to the man with the truck and his friend.

We were quiet for the rest of the trip. Lost in our thoughts of “what if.” Luckily, we were fine, but it was a reminder of how precarious life is. We were one tree, on-coming car or steep incline away from our world forever changing.

Later that night, I held Turo for awhile after he fell asleep. Grateful for one more day.

Marching

Turo wasn't impressed with the football during our visit to Camp Randall in Wisconsin. Rather, he was enamoured with the marching band. He couldn't get enough. We stayed for the post-game show and he watched every minute of it. He kept saying "more please" every time they finished a song. When we returned home, I found some videos of Michigan's marching band on youtube. We've watch the pre-game show countless times. He can identify the trombone, trumpet and drum major. He now high steps around the house with various instruments and often implores us to join him. Hopefully, he'll stick to this love over football because you don't hear of too many traumatic injuries during marching season.

Catching the post-game march

Practice

Grandpa is recruited

A project

Suddenly half of a year has gone by. When I think back to that first month with Turo, I am surprised to find us in December. Those first few weeks were long and tough. We were moving and trying to figure out parenting. Turo was uprooted and trying to figure out us. Each day I just tried to get from one “event” to the next. At ten I was already thinking about lunch and at lunch I was thinking about nap and so on until bedtime. It didn’t help that Turo’s attention span was about two minutes long. Once we finally were settled in our house things got easier, but it took awhile to get into a daily groove. I like a schedule, I think it’s the teacher in me. Once fall hit, we enrolled in some classes, shopped the weekly farmer’s market and started going to the Y (got to love the onsite childcare). We developed a weekly routine. Plus, Turo has figured out how to play and can keep himself occupied for longer chunks of time. When you add in the shopping, errand running, meal preparing and housekeeping, the weeks have just whizzed by.

For a moment, I felt guilty I hadn’t done more in these past months. I could’ve unpacked more boxes, organized the closets, made homemade yogurt or written passionate letters to my representatives. But for me, these first six months were about Turo’s adjustment and figuring out this new realm of family and motherhood. Now, Turo seems used to us and I’m feeling comfortable in my role as his mother. I could easily maintain the status quo. But I need a little something else. Something that is mine outside of being a mother and wife. I’m not sure what this endeavor should be. The ideas are brewing. Hopefully, I can turn one of them into reality.

First week in the U.S.

Last week

unglued

Today it was over Cheerios. Turo spied the box on the counter (silly me for leaving them out, I should know better) at lunch time. He wanted them. In a bowl. On the floor (where we sometimes have an afternoon snack). I told him he could have them with lunch but would have to wait. He lost it. Full on tantrum. There was screaming, crying and streaming snot. We have caught a glimpse of this “expressive” Turo from time to time in the last month. It’s as though with his increased ability to understand and communicate, he gets more frustrated when things don’t go his way. Typically, I can distract him with a song or a change of scenery. Today when I belted out the ABCs, he shouted “no” and cried harder. So I continued on happily making lunch (I’m sure that ticked him off even more). Eventually, he calmed down and was back to his happy little self. But if this is a preview of what age two has to offer, I'm going to need lots of patience and some earplugs.

bottle

Twice a day for the past six months we have given Turo a bottle. Before nap and before bed, we slow-down, take him into our arms and rock. I love these twenty minutes. I love this time to just hold my little boy. During the day, he’s on the go and will only pause long enough for a quick hug or kiss. But with the bottle, he’ll snuggle. I love the way he feels in my lap, his head resting on my chest, his hair tickling the bottom of my chin, the smell of him in my nose. I love listening to the sound he makes as he drinks and the small exhalations in between sips. I love how he’ll occasionally fall asleep in my arms when he’s finished. An extra bonus of coziness.

In these quiet moments, I wonder about his first mother and what she felt the first time she held him. Did she see her husband in her son’s eyes? Did she whisper his name to him while he was in her arms? Sometimes I imagine Turo as a teenager and hope that he still retains a sense of these tender moments. That when he’s questioning his adoption, his family and the meaning of it all, that he will know how deeply he is loved. And there are times, when I just make lists in my head or doze along with him.

Sunday was our last naptime bottle. For the past couple of weeks, Turo hasn’t wanted to sit in my lap after lunch. He’d drink his bottle in his own rocking chair. This broke my heart a bit, but I know it’s a positive sign that he’s growing up. So, after several days of talking about it, yesterday was it. We read and when he asked for his bottle, I reminded him that Sunday’s had been his last. Then we went upstairs and he was fine.

The bedtime bottle, however, will just have to wait a little longer before retiring.

Ethiopia, May 2009

Thanksgiving

We've started to hold hands at dinner and say what we are grateful for each day. Yesterday, we began our meal this way and had a pretty long list of things for which we were thankful. Then during dinner, Turo reached for my and Jose's hands, gestured to Grandma and then to Jose and said, "Nana, Papi, in." So, we paused, held hands and gave thanks once more.

6 Months, Part 2

First meeting: May 23, 2009

Tuesday night: November, 24, 2009

Thoughts at 6 months, part 1

It has been 6 months since we first met Buturo. Half of a year has already flown-by. Six months of delight, change, attachment, giggles, play, tears, learning, growth, silliness, adjustment and love. Lots and lots of love. This time has been so pure and simple. Jose and I often remark that it almost feels too good to be true. Can life really be this incredible? For 182 days we have delighted in our son, in his laugh, in his hugs, in his every expanding understanding of the world. We cherish these days because there are more challenging days on the horizon. That’s life. Things change, tough stuff happens. So each day we are grateful for these moments of sweetness. And we breathe them in, in hopes of collecting them for a time when joy may be harder to find.

First post-referral purchase, January 2009

November, 2009

Reason #3289

There are lots of reasons why I love Jose. He is a great friend, husband and father. He is funny and witty and smart. He knows lots about politics, football, current events and pop culture. But one of my most favorite thing about him is that he has a huge heart.

When we were in Ethiopia touring the government run orphanages, Jose spent at least an hour playing basketball with one of the girls on the concrete basketball/soccer area. At the end of the visit, he asked the in-country head of our agency if there was anything they needed. He discovered the older girls needed a copying machine so they could duplicate pages of academic materials. Jose pledged to help bring the copier to the girls. When we got home, Jose helped raise a big chunk of the money needed for it (while also figuring out fatherhood, moving across the country, leaving one job and starting another).

So here is reason #3289, installed in Kechene...

road trip

This weekend Jose, Turo and I embarked on our first family road trip. We headed to Madison to catch the Wolverines play the Badgers. We debated the sanity of taking a toddler on a six hour one way car trip to watch football, but decided the potential fun was too much to resist. Here are some highlights of a great 36 hours:

- Twelve hours confined to a car provides a great opportunity for a wide range of discussion. Jose and I reflected on Ethiopia, pondered whether or not we wanted to include Santa in our holidays, processed some stuff, sang Row Row Row Your Boat in a round to Turo countless times, analyzed the likelihood of Michigan’s football coach keeping his job and played a rousing game of 20 questions at midnight to stay awake.

-Turo wooed Michigan and Wisonsin fans alike. He was greeted with many high-fives on our journey to the stadium and won over our very red section despite his maize and blue outfit.



-I loved watching Turo take in the game. He was very quiet for the first quarter. He sat on my lap and observed. By the time the band took the field at half-time, he was enthralled. He kept saying “more please” each time the band stopped in between songs. When the game resumed, he provided commentary like “throw” and “band.” It was like he was figuring it out during the initial quarter and once he understood what was happing he was eager to participate. He cheered, danced and sang along with the crowd (despite our protests that he was rooting for the wrong team).

- Madison is a great college town and it’s setting on a lake is lovely. We were impressed with the campus and the friendliness of the people (other than the drunk guy who almost steamrolled Turo on the way to the game.)

-Turo travels like a champ. He was only fussy a couple of times and overall he just rolled with it.

- It was nice to see that we can do pre-Turo-like stuff and with a few modifications still have a blast.

Toddler Offsets

I try to be good to the environment. We recycle. I turn the water off while I brush my teeth. I bring my own bags to the grocery store (most of the time). I’m trying to buy more local food. But I’m not sure if these things compensate for the less than green toddler activities that occur in our house. Here is a list of some of the things for which I need to buy toddler offsets:

Diapers - In my dream world, I’d be using cloth diapers that I’d hang to dry in the sunshine. In reality, I use disposable ones. I’ve read about cloth diapering and I totally admire those who do it, but I haven’t quite gotten there. Maybe I just need to potty train Turo soon, to ease my guilt.

Coffee – Getting out of the car for a cup of coffee is work. Unbuckle the car seat, maneuver Turo out of the car, hold child while paying, try to keep toddler from running around while adding cream & sugar, carry coffee and child back to the car while trying not to spill scalding beverage on child, buckle him back up, hope he doesn’t have a tantrum about sitting in the car seat… See it’s a pain. So there have been days I have driven out of my way for drive-thru coffee. My favorite spot is a local place, so I’m at least supporting that, right?

Water – Turo loves playing in the sink. He likes to fill up his cup, spoon, bowl (or other receptacle dug out of a kitchen drawer) and then pour it into other cup, spoon, bowl. This keeps him very occupied, which allows me to do things like empty the dishwasher. He also enjoys flushing, which I try to limit, but he’s quick.

Mother Nature must have had her own toddlers and perhaps will overlook these transgressions. Just to keep her favor though, I guess I need to send a donation to Green Peace or the Sierra Club.

Early Bird

We've been up since 5:20. I'm not a morning person. I'm a sleep-until-it-is-nearly-the-afternoon person. Granted when I worked I had to be up bright and early, but I had about 90 minutes to myself before I had to interact with anyone. I had time to slowly wake-up, drink coffee and listen to NPR on my way to work. Now, when I hear a little voice call out "mama" from the other room, there is no snooze button. He is ready to get up and start his day. On mornings when he wakes up before seven, I bring him back to bed with me in hopes that he will doze a little longer. I have pleaded with him, rubbed his back, taught him "cuddle and cozy," offered him hundreds of dollars, and even said a few choice words under my breath. All of these are lost on him because he quickly slides down the side of bed, heads towards the door and urges me to "come-on." On these extra early days, I make pancakes or waffles as a way to compensate for the fact that is still dark. Today I attempted French toast. Maybe tomorrow he'll snuggle for an extra few minutes...

adoption

There is a wide spectrum of opinions related to adoption. From Jesus put it in my heart to adoption is child slavery, there are many ways to think about adoption. When we started the process, I had no idea there were so many different points of view. In my mind, adoption seemed like a win-win for everyone. Not only would we become a family and a child would gain a home, but the icing was that we would help make the world a little better.

As we became more entrenched in the paperwork, waiting and more waiting, we began to uncover varying perspectives of adoption. Jose and I had long talks over the ethics of what we were doing. We fretted over the legitimacy of it. Days before our second court date, Jose discovered a couple of discrepancies in our referral paperwork. We freaked out, called one of our agency’s head honchos on the weekend with our worries. As we waited for a return phone call, we discussed postponing our court date if our concerns weren’t properly addressed. We couldn’t justify bringing Buturo into our family if there was any doubt he hadn’t been legitimately relinquished by his first family. After an agonizing weekend of what-ifs, our agency cleared up the confusion and we proceeded with our court date. But it was a reminder of the seriousness of what we were doing.

Even in Ethiopia, with our son in our arms, we still were grappling with the complexity of our family’s origin. In order to bring our adopted children back to the U.S, families have to obtain visas for them. Most of the paperwork for this visa occurred months before in the U.S, but the final stamp of approval had to happen in Ethiopia. In order to receive Turo’s visa, we joined at least 30 other mostly white families and a sprinkling of Ethiopians in a non-descript room at the back of the Embassy compound. Looking around the room at all these American parents with their Ethiopian babies, I felt unsettled.

Individually our stories all made sense. Just like Turo, these babies had been relinquished due to some tragic situation. And just like us, each family had a compelling reason for wanting to adopt from Ethiopia.

But when you put us all together on a macro level, we were picking up our new children because of injustice, poverty and inequality. We were picking up our new children because we had money and their first families did not. Combined we probably paid over half a million dollars in fees to adopt (times how many other appointments a week?). What did this say about us? About our role in creating a marketplace for these children? Were we doing the right thing? What was the right thing anyway?

Walking to our visa interview, we had to pass a group of Ethiopians waiting for their appointments. I wondered what they thought of the parade of Americans going by with their black babies. I wanted to tell them, “I’m sorry this has happened. I promise to do right by this child. I promise he will know where he comes from. I will teach him about this amazing country’s culture and history. I promise to continue to give back to Ethiopia so this doesn’t have to happen for future children. I will treasure and love my son with all my heart.” After a couple of minutes of basic questions, we were approved to bring Turo into the U.S. I was relieved to get back in our van. Back to just being a new, happy family of three.

Our family’s narrative is not just: childless couple + orphan = family. Two years after those initial thoughts about adopting, my viewpoint on adoption has become more nuanced than the idealistic version I held at the beginning. I’m still trying to find a way to hold total joy and happiness alongside the tragic parts of our story. And as I parent Turo, I want to make sure that I give him the support and space to develop his own thoughts and feelings on his adoption (even the less rosy ones).

Trick or Treat

We had lots of fun celebrating Halloween this year. We went to the UM Natural History Museum last weekend, did the "party" thing at our toddler class, checked out our downtown's annual trick or treating and headed out in our neighborhood tonight. All in all it was a pretty great week.

Turo as a football player at our toddler class.

Buturo's name means "hard worker, like a bee" - so we couldn't resist dressing him up like one.

Check out Jose's awesome Africa pumpkin.

Colorado

My dad and Alison celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in September. Here are a few snapshots from the dinner my dad planned for my stepmom (in the same place where they had their wedding).

And here is a cute photo of Uncle Nick and Turo

Travel with Turo

For the second time in the last month, Turo and I traveled by air to visit family and friends. He flies free as a "lap child" until he's two, so off we went. First, we flew to Colorado for my Alison and Dad's 25th anniversary and then we were in Dallas this weekend for Race for the Cure.

Since I was five, I have flown three to four times a year. I've got the flying thing down, but toss in a kid and it's a whole new deal. Gone are the days of a magazine, the I-Pod and a good book. Turo is a great traveler but it is still a challenge. It raises a whole host of questions. What toys are small enough but will keep him busy? (Light switch, little rubber skeleton and bendy robot were hits. The small poms-poms were fun, but I didn't take into account his new love of throwing.) How many diapers should I bring? (Seven - just in case we are stranded for hours. ) What kinds of snacks will make him happy? (Peanut butter sandwich crackers, apples, cheese sticks and pretzels) Which is the best seat - aisle or window? (Window - he can open and close the shade & people won't bump us if he falls asleep). It keeps a gal on her toes. On the flight last night, I even had to ask for my Coke in a coffee cup to fool him into not wanting any.

Photos of the actual trips will come at some point, but here are our travel photos from yesterday.

On the bus from the car rental place. The bus was a big hit with Turo.Checking out the planes

ATMPretending to be a doggy. I don't want to even think of all the germs he picked up.

We were using hand wipes like crazy.

Peek-a-Boo

Push

Always fun
(until he puts his other hand in and water starts pouring down his arm)
On the plane - cozy.



We've landed

And a special thanks to Jose, who brought my requested falafel sandwich to the airport last night.