Nine years

If you will hold my hand, then I will hold my breath and cast my fate in the direction of my heart. I will put on hold my lesser dreams and reach for what is truly mine.

Say you will, and I will buy my ticket for this ride. It will not be cheap, nor always smooth. But I don't care. I don't care. I have finally come to that....
– Marianne Williamson

Referral Highlights

I just finished saving all my referral related e-mails to my "adoption" folder. I thought it would be nice to keep these for Baby Barto, so he could see how much love people had for him from the start.

Referral Highlights

• Falling more in love with my husband, as I watched him learn about our son
• Jose's coworkers lingering outside the door as they waited for us to finish the call (they knew before I did that we were about to get our referral)
• Telling my mom she had a grandson and within hours she had framed pictures of him all over her house and ready to take to work the next day
• Trying to conference call my dad and Alison and Alison suddenly realizing why I was trying to get them on the phone at the same time
• My brother already dreaming of snowboarding lessons for Baby Barto
• After seeing one sassy photo of Baby Barto, my Aunt telling me that would be the look I'll get when he's 13 and totally annoyed with me.
• Janis' worry that I was calling so late and then her joy at my news
• Jess instantly making Baby Barto her background on her computer
• My cousin's call at 6am the next day because she didn't see my message from the night before until that morning
• Taking Baby Barto to coffee with my friend Carli (we set him on the table and had to cover his ears a few times when the conversation became inappropriate for a one year old)
• My sister figuring out ways of getting from Vienna to Ethiopia - one route involves a plane, train, ferry and bus.
• Seeing the atlas open to Ethiopia at my in-laws and my mother-in-law's new knowledge of the region Baby Barto is from
• Kristin and Natalie's return e-mails within 5 minutes of sending them Baby Barto's pictures
• Facebook well wishes after my official status post
• E-mails from people who heard the news via other family or friends
• A phone call from my Grandma to tell me my son was cute
• The Ethiopian children's book from Renee
• The posts of congrats from bloggers (I've been following some of their stories for months)

I am thankful for the love and support I am receiving on this journey. It makes the hard times more bearable and the happy moments even better.

After 6 Months & 1 day of waiting

Last week was an easy work week for me and a tough one for Jose. My students were taking finals, so I was leaving school before four (which is heavenly). Jose, on the other hand, was working crazy hours trying to prepare for this big case. So, when I left school last Thursday, I called him to check-in. He asked if I could bring him some Starbucks and then we could hang out for a few minutes before his 4:30 appointment. As I drove downtown, I thought, “what if he has our referral.” (This is what I thought each time my classroom phone rang or Jose called in the middle of the day, so it really wasn’t any sort of intuition.)

I grabbed some Starbucks for us in his building and headed up to his office. When I sat down across from him, he told me he had to make a quick call. He put on the speaker and dialed the number. After a few rings, the voicemail of N., our adoption caseworker, started playing. My heart began to pound and he said, “we got the call.” I replied, “no we didn’t.” And he had to assure me several times that yes indeed we were about to get our referral. We had to leave a message and wait for N. to call us back.

Finally his office phone rang and it was the call. N. told us she had a referral and was sending it to Jose’s e-mail. We opened up the first attachment and there was Baby Barto staring at us with these huge, intense eyes. We went over multiple documents and looked at more photos.

After we finished the call, we looked at his pictures some more and tried to process all that had just happened. There was now a little boy in Ethiopia waiting for us.

Big Day

Today was a big day because

1. We accepted our referral for our 12 month old son

2. Barack Obama became our President
(Baby Barto's picture is currently sporting a Babies for Obama button, and he watched the whole inauguration with me at work.)

Yippee!!!!

16 Days

In 16 days I will be on my way to see one of my best friends in the whole wide world on her birthday. Yippee! Jess lives in Berkeley (which is so not Texas) and I love every minute there. We'll eat at the vegan Japanese restaurant. We'll drink large amounts of coffee and wine and chat. One day we might swing by Cafe Gratitude and order "I am Grace" (all their dishes start with "I am" followed by some positive, happy word). Later we'll head into The City and go out for dinner, drinks and dancing (1/2 the fun of the night will be getting ready to go out). And of course there will be a visit to the ocean. All of this will be squeezed into 2 nights and 2 days. It will be a g-r-e-a-t birthday weekend.

Jess & Sara 2007
From our trip up the Coast
Cafe Gratitude
Napa

At 6 months of waiting

I've totally given in to my FBI obsession. The FBI is an informal list of adoptive families from our agency. I've had an on again-off again relationship with this list over the past 6 months. When I first looked at the list, it was fun to learn about adoptive families and watch the process unfold. Around month 4 or so of the wait, I only allowed myself a peak once and awhile. The slow-down of referrals and passing of court made me a little blue. Our name wasn't moving very quickly up the list. Now as we are one week away from leaving month 6, I've given in. I am checking this thing daily (or sometimes multiple times a day because you never know when the great gals keeping the list will update it). I go back and look at past referrals and try to make predictions based on dates and gender. I'm know this obsessive behavior isn't totally healthy, but I at this point I really don't care. But I think watching the list has helped me adjust my expectations. When I saw the referrals slow, I was able to be realistic about when we'd get our referral. I know that we're not the only family who is waiting longer and that's reassuring.

And as I wish for our referral, I also recognize that my hope is another family's sorrow. I have no idea the emotions and the pain Baby Barto's first mother must be experiencing. There have been moments during the wait when I feel like the most selfish person in the world. There are times when the tragedy of the whole situation hits me like a ton of bricks.

I hope I am worthy of her child.

Connections

Two places in the world have taken on new meaning for me recently. One of these places is Ethiopia, the birthplace of our future child. During the Olympics I felt a surge of pride for the Ethiopian runners. When Ethiopian Yohannes Gebregeorgis was recognized as CNN hero, I paid close attention. As I read of famine hitting parts of the country this summer, I worried about Baby Barto's first family. Do they have enough to eat? When I scan the NY Times, I click on the Africa tab and look for news articles about Ethiopia.

The other place that has entered my radar is Palestine. Two summers ago my sister Katie, spent several months working with Palestinian refugees in the West Bank. And when she came back to the U.S., she told us powerful stories that rarely make it into mainstream media. She was so inspired by the people she met, she returned to start a youth leadership program . She wants to encourage young Palestinians to be leaders who can make positive changes. In the past week as the conflict in Gaza has escalated, I listen to the news with a new perspective. I wonder what impact this violence will have on the children of Palestine and Israel? When they grow up, will they want to work for peace? Or will they be hardened by the violence to which they were exposed as children? As I read the news reports, I think of the families that welcomed my sister into their homes. What is life like for them right now?

For me, these connections serve as a reminder that we are all linked. And so I send out wishes for peace, food and security, not just to the people of Ethiopia and Palestine, but for people anywhere who are hurting, hungry or scared. May 2009 bring us all a more stable, peaceful world.