16 Days

In 16 days I will be on my way to see one of my best friends in the whole wide world on her birthday. Yippee! Jess lives in Berkeley (which is so not Texas) and I love every minute there. We'll eat at the vegan Japanese restaurant. We'll drink large amounts of coffee and wine and chat. One day we might swing by Cafe Gratitude and order "I am Grace" (all their dishes start with "I am" followed by some positive, happy word). Later we'll head into The City and go out for dinner, drinks and dancing (1/2 the fun of the night will be getting ready to go out). And of course there will be a visit to the ocean. All of this will be squeezed into 2 nights and 2 days. It will be a g-r-e-a-t birthday weekend.

Jess & Sara 2007
From our trip up the Coast
Cafe Gratitude
Napa

At 6 months of waiting

I've totally given in to my FBI obsession. The FBI is an informal list of adoptive families from our agency. I've had an on again-off again relationship with this list over the past 6 months. When I first looked at the list, it was fun to learn about adoptive families and watch the process unfold. Around month 4 or so of the wait, I only allowed myself a peak once and awhile. The slow-down of referrals and passing of court made me a little blue. Our name wasn't moving very quickly up the list. Now as we are one week away from leaving month 6, I've given in. I am checking this thing daily (or sometimes multiple times a day because you never know when the great gals keeping the list will update it). I go back and look at past referrals and try to make predictions based on dates and gender. I'm know this obsessive behavior isn't totally healthy, but I at this point I really don't care. But I think watching the list has helped me adjust my expectations. When I saw the referrals slow, I was able to be realistic about when we'd get our referral. I know that we're not the only family who is waiting longer and that's reassuring.

And as I wish for our referral, I also recognize that my hope is another family's sorrow. I have no idea the emotions and the pain Baby Barto's first mother must be experiencing. There have been moments during the wait when I feel like the most selfish person in the world. There are times when the tragedy of the whole situation hits me like a ton of bricks.

I hope I am worthy of her child.

Connections

Two places in the world have taken on new meaning for me recently. One of these places is Ethiopia, the birthplace of our future child. During the Olympics I felt a surge of pride for the Ethiopian runners. When Ethiopian Yohannes Gebregeorgis was recognized as CNN hero, I paid close attention. As I read of famine hitting parts of the country this summer, I worried about Baby Barto's first family. Do they have enough to eat? When I scan the NY Times, I click on the Africa tab and look for news articles about Ethiopia.

The other place that has entered my radar is Palestine. Two summers ago my sister Katie, spent several months working with Palestinian refugees in the West Bank. And when she came back to the U.S., she told us powerful stories that rarely make it into mainstream media. She was so inspired by the people she met, she returned to start a youth leadership program . She wants to encourage young Palestinians to be leaders who can make positive changes. In the past week as the conflict in Gaza has escalated, I listen to the news with a new perspective. I wonder what impact this violence will have on the children of Palestine and Israel? When they grow up, will they want to work for peace? Or will they be hardened by the violence to which they were exposed as children? As I read the news reports, I think of the families that welcomed my sister into their homes. What is life like for them right now?

For me, these connections serve as a reminder that we are all linked. And so I send out wishes for peace, food and security, not just to the people of Ethiopia and Palestine, but for people anywhere who are hurting, hungry or scared. May 2009 bring us all a more stable, peaceful world.

A hopeful 2009

Yesterday as I gave my dad a big hug at the airport, I almost said, "next time we see you maybe we'll have a baby." Then I stopped myself. No more next times. I've been doing next times for awhile. Two years ago, I spent a raucous weekend in Las Vegas celebrating my sister's 21st birthday, and remember thinking the trip was a last hurrah before motherhood. Two summers ago I left Colorado, pregnant and thought, "next summer we'll be bringing our little one." We've celebrated two New Year's thinking, "in this coming year we will become parents." So, as I was wrapped in a dad hug, I let go of next time.

As I ring in 2009, I will be hopeful that this year will bring us Baby Barto. But I will not hold onto the expectation too tightly, so I can attempt to be open to whatever the universe has in store.

P.S. I promise you that I do think about other things besides Baby Barto related topics. But as our time on the waitlist hits the 24 week mark (which was the last week I wrote in my calendar when I made a countdown back in September), I am trying to embrace the lessons the wait is teaching me. And since most lessons take some time to learn, the blog is a nice place to share the process.

Santa & Me

Jose & Me after a yummy mountain breakfast

The Best Kind of Day

This weekend Jose and I watched the first two seasons of The Office. I think it ended up being about 30 episodes. We snuggled on the couch, ordered take-out, drank wine and laughed a lot. This now enters the Lazy Day Hall of Fame along with the Dr. 90210 marathon and playing Cooking Mama on the Wii until our hands hurt.




(Not a photo from this weekend but I thought it went with the theme)

Aunt Cathy

Yesterday I received a box of yummy treats from my Aunt Cathy. In this box of goodness, there is a batch of monster cookies, which are the best cookies ever. I'm currently munching on one as I write this post. They are delicious. During my first year of teaching, I had a stockpile of these cookies in the freezer and would break into them after an awful day. I think I made them last until the spring and that took a lot of willpower because in that first year, most days were pretty bad. Not only are these treats filled with peanut butter, m&ms, chocolate chips, but also Aunt Cathy mixes in a little love, her infectious smile and kindness.

Thanks Aunt Cathy!

(Leaving month #5)

Release

Even with all my attempts at being in the moment (as chronicled in previous posts), I've started feeling like my baby expectations are weighing me down. They are ever present. I play the "I wonder if" game. I wonder if the next time I see my mom Baby Barto will be with us? I wonder if next Christmas we'll be carting a little one to see Santa and light displays? I wonder if Baby Barto will be here when the next season of Entourage is on? It's like every future event, is prefaced with "I wonder if." At first this was a fun game to play, but as I watch things slow down a bit in adoption-land the "I wonder if" is starting to get exhausting. And even with a referral, we'll still nave more unknown waiting to do. Waiting for court, waiting for travel.

In an effort to let some of this go, I made a list. A list of all those thoughts, the counting, the wishes and expectations taking up space in my brain. And I set them on fire (in the grill). I wanted to symbolically release all these longings into the universe. I needed to feel lighter, to be more in the moment. As I watched the flame engulf my list, I started worrying that a spark would blow into the leaves and start a fire that would burn down our neighborhood. So, I put it out. (I know this is rather unlikely, but still I would've felt guity it I burnt down our neighborhood. Try explaining that to the neighbors and the fire department.)

But it felt good to acknowledge that I do have some control. I have control over how I approach the waiting, the unknown. I can control how I spend these next months. Rather than thinking about how something is missing from my life, I can enjoy all that is in my life right now, in this very moment. I can get excited for the holidays and the time spent with family and friends. I can send love into the world for Baby Barto, the people caring for him/her and for his/her first family. I can let go.

Entering a new week filled with possibilities.