I've totally given in to my FBI obsession. The FBI is an informal list of adoptive families from our agency. I've had an on again-off again relationship with this list over the past 6 months. When I first looked at the list, it was fun to learn about adoptive families and watch the process unfold. Around month 4 or so of the wait, I only allowed myself a peak once and awhile. The slow-down of referrals and passing of court made me a little blue. Our name wasn't moving very quickly up the list. Now as we are one week away from leaving month 6, I've given in. I am checking this thing daily (or sometimes multiple times a day because you never know when the great gals keeping the list will update it). I go back and look at past referrals and try to make predictions based on dates and gender. I'm know this obsessive behavior isn't totally healthy, but I at this point I really don't care. But I think watching the list has helped me adjust my expectations. When I saw the referrals slow, I was able to be realistic about when we'd get our referral. I know that we're not the only family who is waiting longer and that's reassuring.
And as I wish for our referral, I also recognize that my hope is another family's sorrow. I have no idea the emotions and the pain Baby Barto's first mother must be experiencing. There have been moments during the wait when I feel like the most selfish person in the world. There are times when the tragedy of the whole situation hits me like a ton of bricks.
I hope I am worthy of her child.
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6 comments:
1. You are totally worthy! She is letting her child go because she has faith that someone of your caliber will raise him/her. Her deepest dreams and hopes will be coming true - and yours.
2. I can't even imagine the excruciating wait. We went up hill and down with the new house and often I kept wondering how you guys managed the painful wait. You have been a trooper, much more than I ever could be.
I can totally relate to every word of your post. I check the FBI by the hour I think. Maybe this week :)
Know you are not alone in any of these thoughts.
I totally "get it" I've been the same way too. Praying for your soon-to-be referral!
*Kudos to Jes for comment #1. That has been my thoughts during my prayer time this past week and today during my "closet/altar" time in prayer*
I am a month behind you on the FBI, but I am a checker - movement up ahead always brings a smile because it gives my skeptical side the assurance that the process is still working and there is some order to the universe. I hope your wait is not much longer.
Peace!
You are definitely worthy! You and Jose will be such wonderful parents. We're all praying for you and can't wait to meet this little one. You might have to come back to A2 though, so we can see your parenting more often. :+)
My thoughts exactly! I don't know what happened to all my patience and peace about this process!? And having internet on my phone just feeds the FBI checking obsession!I can't help it, I have to look. Today was awesome though - we moved alot!
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