As a teacher, I am used to being home in the summer. But as the kids and teacher head back to the classroom, I am more cognizant of my new position as stay-at-home-mom. The decision to become a housewife came as a bit of a surprise to me. Last summer I was researching daycare. I always assumed I would continue to work after becoming a mother. But somewhere between referral and passing court, we realized my staying home was the best choice for our family.
And like so many things in this journey, I seem to hold numerous feelings about this new role. I have loved being at home with Turo. To watch him blossom each day has been such a treat. I like the simplicity of life right now. Rather than worrying about lesson plans, 120 students, school politics, test scores and household stuff, I can focus on my family. Each day is filled with such sweetness and joy.
Yet when I spoke with my friends in Dallas after their first day back to school, I had a pang of sadness that I was not there with them or in any classroom. And a part of me feels guilty for enjoying this time at home, that somehow I’m being selfish. That really I should be out in the world, making a difference and bringing home a paycheck. Then there is the competitive part of me who feels self-conscious when I’m around anyone who is working. It was especially acute the other night at a political event for Jocelyn Benson, a wife of a friend of mine who is running for Michigan’s Secretary of State. She is around my age and has done incredible, amazing things and is running for office. And me? I’m staying at home. Doesn’t seem as catchy.
As I write this I feel like I should delete all the whiney stuff. Seriously, I am so lucky that I get to be with my son every day. There are so many women for whom this isn’t even an option. Wouldn’t his first family like this same privilege? But watching the words disappear from the screen won’t make my emotions vanish too. They are real, and I always appreciate the honesty of other bloggers. So I’m putting it out there because all these feelings are part of this adventure too.
It's hard to be too whiney when you get to play with this little guy all day
p.s. The Monkey Business Sandwich is peanut butter & banana rolled in a tortilla (honey or raisins are good to add in if you have them on hand.)
5 comments:
It's going to be a first for me too. I have decided to quit and stay at home with both girls when Macy is home. I have always been one of the go-to persons at work b/c I am a nerd and I love to know as much as there is to know about whatever job I have....and the social aspect of work is pretty major...it's where I meet my best friends. I don't know how I will feel once home, but I imagine I will experience similar feelings as what you described. Because I am human, well and I like to work...to think critically...to complete big complicated projects...to sit in meetings and sort through and debate ideas. But, you know the very big but... Haha...The but is, I cannot wait to have the opportunity to see my children grow and learn every day. Not after I am home and tired, but when I am energetic and focused on them. I am really looking forward to that. Because right now, I am tired in the evenings and easily irritated b/c I used all of my patience and energy at work. That isn't so good. But, and there is that but again....I know how you feel...well, at least I will. HUGS!
You & Turo are totally welcome to come visit me in my classroom and learn Spanish any time you want. :)
You are making a difference in Turo's life and, therefore, in the world! Love the pics...we too purchased a Cozy Coupe:)
Thank you for your comment. That would be lovely. :)
Since I am picking up a toddler too, what did you bring (toys, treats, etc) that you highly recommend while in Ethiopia for toddler entertainment/soothing?
There is time in life to do all. I am finding that I can now do things I put off or aside when my kids were little. The opportunities are still there or are replaced by new ones. We give ourselves too little respect and recognition for raising a child. It is hard work that requires patience, love, imagination, energy, thought, creativity... Perhaps it is because we are not paid to do this that it is not valued as much as it should be, even by us sometimes when we see others move forward in other areas.
As a teacher I see the result of good and bad parenting. I have smart students who are failing at life because they have shaky ground to stand on at home. Their intelligence will go unused or get them into prison. Taking time to help your child learn to think, develop vocabulary, strong sense of self ensures a new generation of strong individuals. Without this our society fails.
Congratulate yourself for taking this time to raise your lucky son. We live a long time, there is time for everything, just not everything at once. Be at peace with your choice. Learn what there is to learn at this time in your life. With love! Alison
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